As I grow older, I feel something loosening its grip within me - the quiet, persistent need to be liked by everyone.
It no longer weighs on me the way it once did. I am no longer buried beneath borrowed habits and second-hand preferences, carefully assembled to fit into circles that were never truly mine.
For the longest time, I mistook admiration for identity. I followed him into music, not because it spoke to me, but because it spoke to him - and he, in my eyes, was everything I was not. He moved through life with ease, surrounded by people, understood, admired.
So I listened to what he listened to, read what he read, even convinced myself I cared for philosophy, simply because he did. I wasn’t building myself, I was becoming his reflection.
It took me years to recognize the quiet dishonesty in that.
Now, I no longer pretend. I don’t force myself to enjoy what doesn’t move me, nor do I shape my opinions to match the crowd. If an album is celebrated and I find nothing in it but noise, I allow myself that truth without hesitation.
The numbers, the metrics, the invisible scoreboard of approval like Last.fm - I have stopped keeping track.
More importantly, I have begun to loosen the harsh comparisons I once held against myself. I used to measure my worth in reflections - faces, bodies, voices that were never mine to begin with.
But there is a certain clarity in accepting what cannot be altered.
I cannot change the colour of my skin, or my eyes, or the texture of my voice. These are not flaws to correct, they are facts to live with.
That does not mean that I neglect myself. I take care of my body. I eat well, I train consistently, I do my skincare. And if, after all that, I still fall short of someone else’s standard of beauty - so be it.
There is a quiet strength in accepting the limits of what can be controlled.
And so, I have stopped performing.
If someone chooses to walk away because my tastes do not align with theirs, or because I do not fit their idea of what I should be, then I let them go - early, and without resistance.
I will not bend myself into something I am not.
I will not carry the burden of becoming someone else’s entertainment just to be allowed to stay because I’ll not stay anywhere I am not allowed to be myself.
Now that doesn’t mean that I’ll not explore anything and be the Karan for whom things never change. I’ll surely explore things and see what rows my boat and what becomes a part of my identity and sure I’ll try to change for people I truly care about, but just not for anyone who means nothing to me.